


Not Alone

by Emachinescat



Series: Sesquipedalian [11]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-11
Updated: 2011-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:56:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1255423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emachinescat/pseuds/Emachinescat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>cathartic, adj.<br/>(cuh-THAR-tic)<br/>Emotionally cleansing</p><p>Shortly after Merlin's father dies, an understanding Gwen comforts him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own, for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Gwen watched as Merlin walked slowly across the courtyard which was still in construction after the attack of the Great Dragon. His shoulders seemed slumped and his eyes rarely left the ground. She knew he was probably off running an errand for Arthur but there didn't seem to be much of a purpose to his walk, any life to his steps. Something was wrong – something that had been wrong since Arthur and Merlin had returned from trying to find the last Dragonlord. She sighed as she watched him scrub a hand across his weary face. She bit her lip and decided to follow him. She didn't know where he was going but she must have been wrong in her assumption that he was doing a chore for Arthur because it looked like he was leaving the city.

Gwen didn't have much to do today; she had been doing odd jobs around the castle and sometimes even in the lower town – helping as much as she could with the rebuilding after the destructive dragon attack – ever since Morgana disappeared. She didn't have to worry about losing her home; Arthur had made sure that she would have it forever after her father died.  _Her father…_  She took a deep, steadying breath and tried to focus on the task at hand – following Merlin.

Normally Gwen would never do something like this, following someone, especially a close friend like Merlin. But something was obviously bothering him greatly and if Arthur wasn't going to try and help, Gwen was. She knew that Arthur cared about his servant but it was hard to make him see it. He often hid behind his indifferent façade but the truth was that Arthur just wasn't good expressing emotions. But Merlin had reached a point where he didn't even seem to be Merlin at all – almost a shell, a husk, an empty man.

She regretted that she had spoken to him so little lately. She felt like they had grown apart as she and Arthur grew closer. It wasn't right but it was life. Still, she considered Merlin to be one of her closest friends and she didn't want to see him suffering. Whatever had happened to cause him to fall into such depression was slowly eating him alive and Gwen wouldn't stand for that. Not when she could try and help him.

She followed from a distance as Merlin walked out of the city, never once looking back to see if someone was following him. He certainly knew where he was going as he strode over hills and through a field and into a small cluster of trees. Gwen's heart was beating as she quietly trailed her friend and she wondered briefly if she should turn back. After all, this was certainly something private that Merlin was taking part in and from the way he moved with such confidence as to where he was going it was obvious he was traveling along a well-beaten trail.

She thought back to the pain that had been in his eyes a few days ago when she had stopped to tell him hello. He had smiled but it wasn't a  _real_  smile; it wasn't a  _Merlin_  smile. It was the ghost of a smile, an empty smile. She wouldn't accept that. Not anymore.

She surged forward, doing her best to keep up with him and taking in a great gasp of air at the raw beauty of the spot he had stopped. No wonder he came here often – this had to be the most beautiful place she had ever laid eyes on and she had never even known it existed! Merlin was sitting on the grass a few yards away from a lake that glittered royally in the sun. Mountains, higher than she could see, rose behind the lake and trees framed it with a tinge of green. The whole scene was also reflected on the surface of the water, playing back the beauty of the reality in a mystical, almost magical way. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight and Merlin spun around and locked eyes with her at the noise.

* * *

To say that Merlin was surprised to see Gwen here would be an understatement. How could he have not known that she was following him? He tried to smile at her, to let her know it was fine that she was here, all the while thankful that he hadn't performed any magic before she had made herself known.  _That_  might call for some awkward questions. He wondered why she would follow him – they hadn't talked properly in months and Gwen was never the sort of person to follow people around. That was more… Merlin's job.

Gwen smiled a bit hesitantly, eyes questioning and a bit nervous. "Hi, Merlin," she breathed, the wind whipping lightly through her auburn curls and rustling the hem of her plain pink dress. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"

Merlin shook his head, his own black hair moving in the breeze. He found that he was actually quite glad of her company. These past few days since the battle with the Great Dragon – Kilgharra, Balinor had said – had been so lonely, even with Arthur's near constant presence (involving lots of boasting about how  _he_  had killed the dragon, the prat!) and Gaius's hovering concern. "No. I'm glad you're here." Gwen gave him an awkward, half-hearted laugh and he gestured to the grass beside him. "Want to sit?"

* * *

Gwen sat down slowly, hesitantly, tucking her legs beneath her and arranging her skirts. She looked out at the lake, breathed in the scent of the water before commenting, "This is a beautiful place."

"Mmm."

She glanced at her friend to see that he, too, was fixated on the gently lapping water. He didn't turn to look at her, even when he felt her eyes on his face. She tapped her fingers restlessly on her thigh, not sure where to begin. "How did you find it?"

Merlin jumped, almost as if he had forgotten Gwen was there with him. He turned to face her and when he did his face was guarded, his eyes not open like they normally were. He sighed. "A… friend. She told me about this place." Gwen was sure this was a half-truth but wasn't ready to pursue this line of questioning just yet.

Taking a deep breath, she plunged ahead. "Merlin – I know we haven't had a proper conversation in months and that you probably hate me for being so distant –"

"I could  _never_  hate you, Gwen, you know that," Merlin quickly intervened.

Gwen smiled gratefully before plowing on before she lost her nerve. "It's just… it's kind of awkward, you know? You're the only other person that knows about Arthur and I. We're both servants and he treats me like a lady and he treats you like a…"

Merlin smiled wryly, cocking an eyebrow. "Like a servant?"

Gwen chuckled. "Well… yes. But… he cares about you, Merlin. I know he does. He just doesn't know how to express it." How she had wound up trying to justify Arthur's ignorance of Merlin's problems, she didn't know. Merlin continued to look faintly amused and she blushed. "What?"

"Arthur loves the way you stumble over your words when you're flustered," Merlin smiled.

Gwen went even redder. "He… said that?"

Merlin almost laughed. "Of course. He talks about you all the time… Don't tell him I said that – he probably wouldn't be too happy about that and I  _really_  don't fancy another trip to the stocks."

Gwen giggled. "Remember when we first met?"

"Of course I do. It was right after I met Arthur. Somehow, you left a better first impression on me than our royal prat."

Gwen lightly, teasingly scolded her friend. "Now,  _Mer_ lin…"

Merlin actually let out a chortle at Gwen's surprisingly accurate impersonation of Arthur. As soon as he stopped laughing, though, the intense sadness gleamed in his eyes once more and Gwen found herself desperate to make it better. Sensing the change in Gwen's train of thought, Merlin took a breath. "But you didn't follow me here to reminisce about old times or talk about Arthur, did you?"

Gwen shook her head. "Not exactly." Merlin didn't speak but simply looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to speak. "Merlin, you've been so sad these past few days. I don't know if I've ever seen you look this forlorn. And  _don't_  try to tell me you're fine; this may have been the first time we've talked in a while but I still know you. And you're  _not_  fine." She paused then pushed forward hesitantly. "Something happened, Merlin. Something you're keeping bottled up inside. Something that happened right around the time that the dragon attacked Camelot."

Merlin visibly paled and Gwen knew she'd hit the nail on the head. "What makes you think that?"

"Because this… depression started  _after_  you returned from trying to find Balinor."

At the mention of the name, Merlin's eyes darted to the ground and he blinked his eyes several times. Gwen felt her heart constrict as she watched her friend hurt. She wasn't sure what Balinor had to do with it, so she decided to take a chance and just ask. "Balinor…" she repeated slowly, quietly. "Did you know him?"

Merlin tensed up before meeting her gaze for a mere second. He then looked back out over the lake. "No," he managed. "N-not really." His face was dry but there were tears in his voice.

"But his death upsets you," Gwen observed, placing a coffee-colored hand on his shoulder.

Merlin nodded. "Of c-course. He was the last of his k-kind. That's sad."

Gwen shook her head slowly before hesitantly reaching on with one hand and touching Merlin's face, gently guiding it so he was looking at her. She quickly removed her hand, afraid that she might have overstepped some unseen "friend" boundaries between them but Merlin simply sat there, looking at her. "Please, Merlin," the fellow servant pleaded. "You can't go through this alone. I want to be there for you."

Merlin looked conflicted. "I can trust you, Gwen, I know I can, and I would tell you… but…"

Gwen wasn't sure what Merlin was contemplating trusting her with but found that she was elated to be getting  _somewhere_  at least. "But?"

"But… I'm afraid it would hurt you, too. Bring back painful memories. And I can't do that to you."

Gwen felt her heart swell in gratitude. She knew why Arthur kept Merlin around – he had the biggest heart, the kindest soul of any man she'd met. He was caring, almost naïve. He almost possessed the view on life that a child might – optimistic, bright… most of the time. But now, he was hurting. And he wouldn't tell Gwen about it because he was afraid it would hurt  _her._

She shook her head slightly. "Merlin… I  _want_  to know. Whatever memories you're afraid it will bring up are worth you telling… someone about what's hurting you."

Merlin smiled – genuinely, this time. "Thank you, Gwen," he breathed. "You're a true friend." He broke off as if not sure where to begin. He glanced at her, then at his hands, and back at his lake. That's what she had deemed this place.  _His_ lake.  _Merlin's_  lake.

"I won't tell anyone," she found herself promising before she even knew what he was going to tell her.

"I can't force you to make that promise," Merlin decided. "It's your decision, although I would appreciate if we kept it between us, at least for the time being."

"Of course."

He chugged in a deep breath of air and admitted, "Balinor… was my father.

Gwen stared. His… father? Merlin's father was a Dragonlord? Which meant that… Merlin was a Dragonlord… Which implied that—

" _You_  killed the dragon?" Gwen breathed before she knew what she was saying. When she realized what her question had been, she silently cursed herself for being so callous. How could she have forgotten that they were talking about his loss? "I'm sorry."

Merlin shook his head. "No. Don't be. It's a bit of a shock, I know. It was to me, too, when Gaius told me right before Arthur and I left to find him. And… no. I didn't kill the dragon. I sent him away, made him promise to never attack Camelot again or I  _would_  kill him."

Gwen was impressed and touched. She scooted closer to her friend and wrapped a thin but surprisingly strong arm around his lean shoulders. "You've such a kind heart, Merlin. Don't ever change." She bit her lip, feeling tears spring to her eyes as she remembered her own turmoil after her father had been killed. She now understood why Merlin had been reluctant to share this with her – it was hard thinking about her dad's death and even more difficult thinking about how her friend had had to go through the same agony. She wanted to comfort him and at the same time she wanted to curl into a ball and feel sorry for herself. She chose the former. This was about Merlin. Not Gwen.

Merlin.

* * *

"Do you… want to tell me about it?" Gwen asked. Merlin felt her arm around his shoulders and heard the sorrow, the heartbreak in her voice. He knew that she had to be reliving the moments after her own father's death right now. He couldn't do this to her any longer, no matter how much he really wanted to let it out. He shook his head jerkily. "No. I'm fine."

Gwen leaned away from him and stared him down. "No. You're  _not_. I know you're trying to protect me, Merlin, but my father's death is something I have to live with every day. I don't just think about him when someone else's father dies or when I see a little girl kiss her daddy goodbye before he leaves for work, but every moment of every day. I think about him all the time and his death will always haunt me. But I was able to get through the worst part of the pain – now it's almost a numb sensation. It hurts more times than others, but time does heal wounds. And so do friends.

"Merlin, I've had you and Arthur and M-Morgana there for me this whole time. You have been amazing. I wouldn't have made it through the terrible days after Father's death if it hadn't been for you. And this is what you need now."

Almost panicked, Merlin frantically cried, "No, I can't tell Arthur."

Gwen pursed her lips in obvious disapproval. "It's your decision, Merlin, and I'm certainly not going to divulge it to anyone, least of all Arthur. But I think you should tell him. He'd understand. He's  _not_  like his father." She smiled sadly. " _Now_  do you want to talk about it?"

And so he did. He opened up to Gwen and let the emotions, the memories, the fears, the depression flow. He told her about how ecstatic he was to have finally found his father. How they planned to go to Ealdor together after the business was done in Camelot. How he had looked into those eyes and seen himself. How he had talked to his father about becoming a Dragonlord.

And how the very next day Balinor had died in his arms.

He spoke of the overwhelming guilt, the gut-wrenching agony, and the pure loneliness that followed. Tears fell down both of their faces as he talked and old memories were revisited – and at the same time, new memories were being made.

When he finished talking, Gwen didn't say a word. Instead, she pulled her friend into the warmest, most compassionate and understanding hug he had ever partaken in. He felt himself melt into her embrace as they cried. Somehow, when they broke apart, their sobs had transformed into laughter and they sat and chuckled and chortled and snorted and giggled until their stomachs ached and they could barely breathe.

"This feels good," Merlin commented. "I fell like a great weight has been lifted from my chest."

Gwen smiled brightly, tears still glistening on her cheeks, and she nodded her agreement. "Me too."

Together they sat, side by side in front of his lake – Freya's lake, although Gwen didn't know this, not yet – staring out at the beauty of nature and reflecting how far their friendship had come and how maybe the future wasn't so bleak after all.


End file.
